“Dear Reverend Hanson: Praise Jesus! I have walked the straight and narrow path for 93 years now, doing the Lord’s work gladly and earnestly. Today, I’ve learned that He is calling me home! The cancer has spread all through my bones, but I feel no pain, only His Love. I’m cleared for take-off on that heavenly runway, my soul tucked safely beneath the seat in front of me!
The trouble is, my granddaughter is a sodomist. She’s been sodomizing ever since she was 20. I have spoken earnestly and lovingly with her about the evils of sodomy and the peril of each sodom she commits with her “partner.” She denies her sodomy, but I can tell it just from the clothes they wear and the way they look at each other. I fear terribly that she will continue to sodomize herself and others, debase the temple of her body, and surely endanger her soul.
Yesterday, I was visited by a friend of hers, a so-called “woman of the cloth,” who claimed that the sodomies committed by my granddaughter are not sin at all, merely expressions of Christian love. She went so far as to suggest that Heaven is a place where sodomists are allowed to openly sodomize one another! Please tell me this is not so! I would hate to enter those wide pearly gates I’ve dreamed of for so long, only to be sodomized.
Reverend Hanson, for my granddaughter’s sake, I ask you: Is there sodomy in Heaven?”
Me, Jesus and You was a religious advice column that graced the humor page of the Portland Mercury between 2001 and 2003. The author, “M. Leon Hanson”, purported to be a charismatic minister, a successful salesman of Christian-themed exercise videos, and the only connection to Jesus you’ll ever need.
For the time being, these columns are still archived on the Mercury’s website. Nobody’s heard from The Right Reverend in some time, but he is rumored to be working with Tim LaHay on an early-reader book titled “Left Behind: The Kittens!”
